Twenty-Ten

What a year it was!
It proved to be the most life changing, extraordinary, revealing year of my life.

Here's my Top Five Highlights of 2010, not in any particular order.....
*Becoming a Mother.
*Continuing my healthy relationship with Tony.
*Family vacation with my Mother and Father together (first time since I was a young child.)
*Experiencing all of Leityn's first.
*Pursuing a deeper relationship with God, being baptized, and committing myself to School of Discipleship and fasting in 2011.


Of course, becoming a mother on the 3rd day of the year set the tone for the 362 days that followed. I spent most of my year enthralled in our sweet Leityn bug. I always knew I wanted to be a mother. And I always knew I wanted a boy (first). But I had no idea my heart could feel the things it’s felt since Leityn arrived. I was so scared when we first found out I was pregnant. I spent a good part of 2009 worrying about things like financially raising a child, being two hours away from family, having to be a working mother, and just being able to give myself completely to another person. I prepared our home and my mind for his arrival. I knew exactly how I wanted to do certain things that would set the tone for his nourishing growth. There towards the end of 2009 a very quite calm came over me and I knew that if I trusted myself and my child to God, we would be okay no matter money, distance, separation anxiety and without a doubt we were already so connected I had no trouble giving myself to him. My worries were gone. And like most mothers, I quickly realized nothing happened the way I prepared for it. But being his mother, taking care of him, loving him, nurturing him, calming him, and creating a comfortable environment for him to flourish in all came naturally to me from the first moment. I realized like all relationships, this one would not be perfect. I accepted that I couldn't take things personally and this was a learning curve for us both. I agreed that I wouldn't compare my child to other children, because he is his own self and will do things his own way. I figured out that I may second guess myself for the rest of his life. I decided that personal opinions from others where just that, and I didn't have to listen if I didn't want to because I know best for my child. And I continue to be amazed that my motherly intuition is generally the best answer for us all (which takes care of the initial second guessing.) But best of all I have realized in having the willingness to wholeheartedly give myself to my son, I am the one that reaps endless rewards. I always considered myself a pretty selfish person. But, I must admit that jumping feet first into parenting and knowing when I wake in the morning I have to do what is best for my child has just come natural to me. Nothing about parenting is easy. There is no real book you can read that will tell you exactly what you need to know. And I learn something new every day. But I do believe if you put your heart into it, it can be the best thing you have ever experienced. It has been for me anyways.

I have to say that all of this has been easier for me because I have an amazing teammate. For the first time in my life I am the other half of a healthily, exciting, emotional, and joyful relationship. Meeting Tony was one of the happiest times of my life. And the fact that we have spent this year growing closer and further committing ourselves to another and to Leityn has been wonderful. I know I brag on him a lot but that is because I know he is rare and I know how lucky I am that I get to share my life with him. It's not every day that you find a man that loves to cook, do laundry, wash dishes, change diapers, clean the car, and all those other household duties we usually have to beg a man to do. He's always willing and ready when I need him. And most of you know, he is an amazing cook. I mean I love to cook myself, but when I realized I enjoyed his food more and I got to relax while he was in the kitchen; it was like a two for one deal. But, I don't just love him for all the things he does for me. He is my best friend. We always say "not only do I love you, but I like you as well." He respects me as a person and as a woman. He strives for my well-being. There are not too many things about Tony I dislike. When we are together I feel like a teenager again. We still get excited when we see each other and miss one another when we are away. We have fun together, we share the same interest, and we want the same things in life. I can hardly put into words what an amazing father he is to Leityn. To see the bond between a father and son is amazing but they truly are best buddies. I told him the other day that I think Leityn likes him more than me, he agreed. He does what it takes to ensure that Leityn and I are taken care of each and every day. And most importantly, he puts God first. I pray to God that He continues to lead us in our relationship and before long we can honor our love before him and spend the rest of our lives making one another happy.

I have written about hitting a rough patch earlier in the year and that ultimately lead me to pursue a deeper relationship with God. And that has been very life changing for me. I feels good to have so much confidence in my relationship with God and know in my heart that all the things listed above are because of Him and his son, Jesus Christ. Being baptized in water and by the Holy Ghost the day before my 30th birthday was the most spiritual experience of my life. It's hard to put something like that into words. But I do know without a doubt that My God loves me and that he sent his son Jesus to make all of this possible. And despite my past mistakes and the ones I will make in the future, as long as I seek him I will receive his loving Grace in return. We have committed to the 12-week School of Discipleship at Free Chapel, and I am looking forward to experiencing this with Tony and Lindsey. We are also going to start our first 21-day fast with the church on the 9th. And I am emotionally prepared for this to be physically challenging, while spiritually connecting with God in ways I've never experienced before.

The past year was exciting all around. I got to go on family vacation with my mother and father and the rest of the family, for the first time since I was little. And I don't know if they will ever know how much that meant to us. I'm just grateful that my parents and step parents are able to put the past aside for a bright future as a family. This year has brought me closer to so many in my family and made me realize the true friendships I am so lucky to have. I know having Leityn brought a new brightness to our family and it feels so good seeing all the love everyone has for him. It's been another year of "just making it" financially. But, we never go without the things we need and most always have the things we want as well. We were able to do a lot of traveling to be with our family and friends. We had a few special trips that made our work weeks worth it. There were several months of sickness, dealing with my dental issues and Leityn being since through December. But all in all, we are all healthy. I know so many that have it worse than us so in moments that we aren't feeling well I just try to draw strength from the ones fighting a harder battle than us.


2011 is upon us and without a doubt or worry in my heart I am trusting, seeking, and praying for great things to happen for us. I really can't remember a year in the past when I was so excited about the things to come. I am not planning on getting rich, I am not planning on traveling the world, I am not planning on meeting someone famous. But I am planning to live everyday in God's will to the best of my ability. I am planning to seek God's word and apply it to my life. I am planning to center my family, finances, and future in God so that no matter what trials or tribulations we face this year and beyond, He will carry us through the storm of life.

‎"For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome."

- Jeremiah 29: 11

Happy 2011 to All.

5 Bible Verses for New Year's Resolutions

5 Bible Verses for New Year's Resolutions 

(With Practical Application)

Have You Ever Used Bible Verses to Make 

Your New Year's Resolutions?

By Jedley Manimtim

Now that 2011 is officially here, many of us are in the process of making New Year's resolutions. The concept of making New Year's resolutions is commonplace in our society; however, we all know how difficult it is to actually follow through. This list of Bible verses is designed to help you more specifically approach your New Year's resolutions. The purpose of providing Bible verses is to establish a biblical grounding for the goals you set out. Moreover, rather than merely compiling Bible verses for New Year's resolutions, I've included practical ways that you can use these verses to achieve your New Year's resolutions. With all of that said, here are 5 Bible verses for New Year's resolutions. 

#1 of 5 Bible Verses for New Year's Resolutions
Colossians 3:13 - 

New Year's Resolution: Mend a Broken Relationship

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

Practical Application: When we make New Year's resolutions, it is common that we first look to ways that we can improve ourselves. Chances are, however, there are broken or severed relationships in our lives that we've given up on. Maybe you've been hurt by a loved one or close friend. The concept of forgiving and forgetting isn't one you'll find in Scripture, but forgiveness is. Consider making it a New Year's resolution to forgive someone who's hurt you or seek forgiveness from someone whom you've pained.

#2 of 5 Bible Verses for New Year's Resolutions
Matthew 25:34-40 -

New Years Resolution: Actively Seek Out to Help the Poor, Homeless, and Needy

"Then the king will say to those at his right hand, "Come, you that are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me." Then the righteous will answer him, "Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry and gave you food, or thirsty and gave you something to drink? And when was it that we saw you a stranger and welcomed you, or naked and gave you clothing? And when was it that we saw you sick or in prison and visited you?" And the king will answer them, "Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me."

Practical Application: The Bible continually reminds us to take care of the poor, the widowed, and the less fortunate. Make it a New Year's resolution to consciously go out and help those in need. Whether you decide to serve at a soup kitchen or visit the elderly, this New Year's resolution is all about serving. If you're looking for more practical ways to go about following through with this New Year's resolution, click here for an article about 5 great items that you can keep in your car and give to the homeless.

#3 of 5 Bible Verses for New Year's Resolutions
1 Corinthians 19:20 -  

New Years Resolution: Improve Your Physical Well-Being

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."

Practical Application: Ever considered that God actually wants you to take care of your body? While in context this verse is actually dealing with sexual immorality, the overarching theme is often missed. We ought to honor God with our bodies through everything that we do; thus, taking care of bodies physically falls under this umbrella and ultimately is a matter of good stewardship. If your New Year's resolution is to get in shape, use this Bible verse to remind you that you're working to improve something that you ought to make the best anyways. 

#4 of 5 Bible Verses for New Year's Resolutions
Matthew 14:22-23 - 

New Year's Resolution: Consciously Set Aside Time to Spend with God

"Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone..."

Practical Application: Jesus understood the value of time spent with God in solitude. If you do not currently devote time to being alone with God, make it a New Year's resolution to set aside some period of time to God. You can spend this time in prayer, reading your Bible, journaling, singing a worship song, etc. While this can definitely be a difficult New Year's resolution, we have to remember that being in tune with God requires of us to actually spend time investing in the relationship.

#5 of 5 Bible Verses for New Year's Resolutions
Mark 12:29-31 - 

New Year's Resolution: Loving God = Loving Others

"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."

Practical Application: You've probably heard this particular verse numerous times, but have you ever considered what it is really saying? The concept behind these commandments is twofold. One, loving God requires loving Him with all that you are. The second is a direct result of the first: if you love God, you will love others. The practical application here is very open because this Bible verse and corresponding New Year's resolutions take all the previous options into account. All of the aforementioned New Year's resolutions and Bible verses are essentially summed up through this passage. The question then is whether or not we are going to make these New Year's resolutions much more than annual attempts to better ourselves, but daily convictions that stem from a true desire to love the Lord.

Busy, Busy!

So, I decided the blog challenge wasn't that fun. I would rather blog at my own convenience, about stuff that matters at the moment. I felt like it was just one more thing on my to-do list, so I wrote it off completely. The end of the year is winding down and I still have a lot to do to get ready for Christmas and prepare for the new year. But, getting Leityn healthy has been at the top of my list so I am slowly getting caught up this week. THANK YOU so much to everyone that has sent well wishes and kept us in their prayers. I remain grateful that everything he's been diagnosed with over the past two months are all temporary sicknesses and over all, he is a healthy child.


Our Christmas plans have been revolving around Leityn getting his tubes on Monday and him hopefully being well enough to do so. But, the anesthesiologist called last night and said they will not do the surgery for 6 weeks after a child has pneumonia. So, another set back and more rearranging of our plans. Aside from that, his doctor is saying keep him away from children and sick people, which pretty much writes off going to the Evans Family Christmas since there's usually about 50 of us, and a lot of kids. That really hurts my heart as it doesn't seem like Christmas without being with them on Christmas Day. But, we will make the most of it for sure. I know his health is the most important and it's not like we all wont see each other after Christmas. I think we will be going to my Mom's and just staying camped out there for a few days. As with all families, we have had some family drama over the past few weeks and all though I would rather spend my holiday with complete strangers than see certain people, I am determined to not allow them to take any more of my positive energy away. This will be a happy occasion whether they show up or not. So, even with family drama, Leityn being  sick, money being tight, and not getting to do things as planned, I am really looking forward to our first family Christmas with sweet Leityn Bug.

I am emotionally preparing to begin our Fast on January 3rd, which is also the same day I begin the School of Discipleship at Free Chapel and Leityn turns ONE! All three of these things are exciting ways to ring in the new year and we are really looking forward to it.

God is GOOD every day of the year and I hope everyone remembers that HE is the true Reason for the Season!

A Thankful Heart

Don't rush into the Christmas Season,

take the time to enjoy the Season of Thanks!!

I will be adding some things my heart is thankful for throughout this week of Thanksgiving!!

 

~THANKFUL HEART DAY 1~ November 22, 2010

I am thankful for my position at Center Point. I see first hand how God is giving us all the ability to change the lives of children & do good in the community. We get 6+ weeks of paid vacation & personal days as needed. I never come to work "dreading" being there & most days are filled with joy, laughter, and friendships. I know we all generally care for one another, even if we don't always agree. We have a awesome team with the same mission: Changing Lives!

http://www.centerpointgainesville.com/

~THANKFUL HEART DAY 2~ November 23, 2010

I am thankful for all of God's natural resources & all the amazing wonders that fill this world with beauty. Plants, animals, air, fossil fuels, water, just to name a few. One of my most appreciated is COTTON. It grows around a small seed, on a plant, in the ground. Think of all our resources that contain cotton. And then there's all the places throughout the world that are so breathtaking. There's just no way you can deny that God's hand was in it. I say an extra prayer for the people that misuses these gifts, fight over these gifts, or don't recognize that these gifts are God's-not ours! 

~THANKFUL HEART DAY 3~ November 24, 2010

Today I am thankful for my Womanhood! What an amazing blessing from God it truly is to be a woman. Yes, I know I sometimes fuss about hormones and other non-exciting things that come with playing this role but when I sit and think of all the wondrous gifts being a woman brings, I am thankful. Because God made me a woman, I am also a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, a girlfriend, an aunt, and most importantly a Mother! WOW, what an amazing experience becoming a mother has been. No other experience in my life has ever defined being a real woman as becoming a mother did for me. I think that God has a different blessing in store for woman that can’t experience this within their own bodies and that doesn’t make you any less of a woman. But for me, I was redefined, rewrote, and redirected as I experienced my first pregnancy and now raising my son. I am not a very fancy woman. I don’t wear a lot of make-up, usually never wear lipstick, and I own one pair of high heels (literally) but it is my heart and soul that makes me the real woman I am today. I am honored and blessed to not only be a woman, but a Woman of God. 

~THANKFUL HEART DAY 4~  November 24, 2010 Happy Thanksgiving!
The most obvious today is being THANKFUL for those around me. Yes, the love of my life Tony. Our amazing son Leityn. My parents & stepparents. My huge, sometimes dysfuntional family. And my very best friends. But, also my close fb friends & the people I may not see everyday or that may have come and passed, but some how left their mark on my heart. I hope that everyone will take the time today to love and cherise all the ones you are thankful for and love the most.

Another Decade Down: From my 20's to my 30's!

My Thirtieth Birthday was by far my most meaningful Birthday since becoming an adult. I have never been in a more content, happy, secure, and confident place in my life. But, I didn't get to where I am today without many hills and valleys along the way as I traveled through my twenties. When I turned 20 in 2000, things were so different in my life and in my heart. I had no idea what was to come. At that point I had quit college after the first semester, got involved with someone against all the advice from others, and was still suffering the consequences of my underage DUI. It was a life changing time but I was finally attempting to establish myself as a "productive adult." Once things set into motion it was a fast paced, ever evolving series of events. Never once a dual moment. And not many regrets because I know with every year I have lived and everything I have experienced, it is those things that have shaped me into who I am today. 

When I think back through my 20's there were so many experiences, good and bad. But most of all some very personal trails, tribulations, and life lessons learned. I recount my twenties and it goes something like this....

I was in my first long term relationship as an adult. My friendships were strained. I rented my first apartment. I had let my parents down. I purchased my first car in my name. Didn't listen to my family. Got married. Over indulged in my drinking. Identified self worth through a man’s love. Moved to Alabama. Found a great job. Didn't know myself. Bought my first house. Ran up credit cards. Had no faith. Traveled to cool places.  Was the other half of an abusive relationship. Lived miserably. Drank every day. Had an affair. Finally had enough. Went through a toxic separation. Left a bar drunk, 4x over the legal limit, blacked out, and flipped my truck several times. Laid in a dark, wet field in the middle of the night knowing I was going to die. Left what little dignity I had in that crushed truck. Screamed for my Mom. Was unable to walk for two months.  Moved home feeling like everyone told me so. Started talking to God. Took to many pain pills. Recognized my family’s unconditional love. Finalized the divorce. Walked away from everything that I once thought was everything.

Wondered if God could even hear me. Drowned my sorrows in my drink. Was involved in a hit and run. Stared fresh, with nothing to my name. Seen a doctor and began taking anxiety medicine. Got another good job. Another apartment. Tried rebuliding friendship. Found the single life. Had to have a drink before going out. Found the rebound relationship. Worked hard. Found comfort in the familiar toxic love. Committed and uncommitted myself. Wasn't honest with anyone. Blacked out. Hurt people because I was hurting. Put myself first. Woke up wondering how I got there. Made my Mom cry. Loved the pain from getting tattoos. Went to work hungover everyday. Thought I was fooling everyone. Wondered if that was all there was to life. Loved the way meth made me feel. Was distant from the people I was close to. Drank in the mornings so I wouldn't be sick. Pretended to be someone I wasn't. Made good money. Wanted someone because I couldn't have them. Didn't have a place to call home, just a place to sleep. Wasted energy. Drove drunk. Lived on a whim. Never looked in the mirror. Could never drink enough. Depended on my friends, but never listened to their advice. Worried my family.

Packed up and moved Dahlonega hoping my life would change. Realized I was still me, just in a different zip code. Felt alone and isolated. Had to have a drink at lunch. Resented the people I surrounded myself with. Did illegal drugs in public bathrooms. Thought my family didn't know. Took one too many pills. Attempted suicide without knowing it was an attempt. Tried to quit it all. Was diagnosed Bi-polar. Experienced three months sober. Wanted to have just one. Didn't tell anyone. Continued to be a disappointment. Screamed a lot. Had a fight with a friend, she drowned to death the next day. Couldn't breath. Couldn't think. Wondered why God didn't take me. Knew he would if I didn't stop. Made a plead with my family. Told the people around me the truth. Nothing they didn't already know. Was given another chance. Found support in unlikely people. Wasn't ready to give up. Lied to myself. Went out to the river where my friend drowned. Washed away the pain. Smelled of stale beer and muscadine wine. Blacked out. Went into a rage. Was escorted to detox against my will. Called a lady in AA.

Read daily reflections for the first time that night. May 20th: One Day at a Time! Hit my knees on a cold, hard floor in a psych ward. Screamed to God. Screamed at God. Screamed for God. Knew what I had to do, but didn't know how. Talked to my family. Developed a plan. Went to church. The spirit moved me and I was saved. Got a new bible. Had hope. Felt something I had never felt before. Could hear myself think. Once again felt my family’s unconditional love. Couldn't deny the truth any longer. Found willingness, against my will. Committed myself to one year in residential treatment. Had to look in the mirror. Heard about God. Found a calmness. Listened to what the women had to say. Started facing my fears. Couldn't stand the house full of women. Let someone read to me from the bible. Followed the rules I didn't believe in. Fell in love with my family. Went to an AA meeting everyday for 90 days. Broke some rules because that's my nature. Missed my family. Started writing again. Learned a simple prayer: I ask for your will Only. Nothing More, Nothing Less, Nothing Else, At Any Cost-Amen. Felt anxiety. Was referred to a great position for a Christian organization. Got a sponsor. Educated myself on Bi-polar. Didn't believe I was good enough. Went to group. Felt pain. Cried. Worked with a life coach. Laughed. Missed my best friends. Confronted myself. Believed in more. Worked the steps. Stayed committed. Made friendships. Trusted women. Started to understand God, in my own understanding. Celebrated a year May 20th 2008.Graduated from treatment after a year.

Began a fresh started. Stayed in Gainesville. Moved in with my Best Friend. Continued to make personal mistakes. Wanted to trust God, but trusted myself more. Worked hard. Battled bi-polar head on. Lived in gratitude. Began rebuilding relationships. Continued self-seeking. Went to counseling. Wasn't healthy enough for a healthy relationship. Allowed other people’s actions control my life. Wasted energy. Connected with God. Listened to my heart. Wouldn't settle. Expected more for myself and knew I was going to get it.

Life as I knew it changed forever. I knew I would never be the same. Gave my all to God and his Will. Introduced myself to him. Started building a home. Felt love and support from my family and friends. Became excited. Lived alone for the first time ever. Felt a connection. Spent time with family. Went on our first date to my uncle’s funeral. My heart began to grow. Spent as much time together as possible. Told him the truth about myself. Had fun. Fell into a love I have never felt before. Was unsure about the future.. Started showing. Prayed for strength every day. Believed in myself. Prepared for my little boy. Went on dates. Felt him kick. Enjoyed the holidays with family, friends and my love. Trusted that God was in control and we were going to be ok. Anticipated becoming a mother. Searched my heart. Connected with my son. Was certain of how we were going to do things. Waited. The day arrived, I became a mother. Fell into another love I had never felt before. Loved his lips. My heart melted when he held him for the first time. Seen the excitement and love Samuel Leityn brought to all our lives. Called him Boopie. Our home became where the heart truly is. Laughed and played with my boys. Questioned myself as a mother. Prayed for strength to be a good provider. Grew closer as a couple. Searched for a church home. Did my best. Continued to fall in love. Enjoyed everyday as a parent. Laughed with Leityn. Celebrated 3 years, May 20th 2010. Enjoyed our first family vacation. Started feeling edgy. Recognized the symptoms. Experienced complications of medication that made things worse.

Experienced a spiritual attack in my mind and heart. Felt no joy. Prayed to God for his help. Became distant. Surrendered to God. Could hear the small whisper in my mind. Hoped my family understood. Knew what I needed to do. Recommitted my life to changes. Started feeling hopeful. Found a better doctor. Started writing again. Prayed throughout my day. Started counseling again. Submitted my application to North Georgia College for Fall 2011. Prepared to be Baptized on the last day of my twenties! Was nervous but God's spirit took control. Grateful my family and friends were there. Felt a warm calmness in my heart as I set in that water. Gave my powerful testimony. Became certain my past was over. Lifted my hands and gave glory to Jesus Christ for all he had given me. Listened to the words to "I'm Free." Held my breath. When I came up out of that waster, for the first time ever I felt FREE. My mind, body, and soul were in a different place. Felt the power of the Holy Ghost come through my body. I was in a place I have never experienced before. The world here on Earth stopped for those few moments. I knew with my whole heart that I left the old me in the water that night. And I know longer have to be in fear of my past. Felt so much joy. What better way to turn 30!

I had a great Birthday the next day and actually had several surprises. It was so surprising that Tony, my mom, and my friends actually pulled anything off that day. It was so wonderful to get to spend both of these occasions with my family and best friends. I can't say I had a renewed spirit. I feel filled with a spirit I have never felt before. I am hopeful for my future. I believe in myself and I know I am worth it. The gift to myself at 30 was my commitment to my heart and God, that I will begin to truly listen to my own heart. And I will let His still small voice guide me. I have so much faith in our futures, for myself personally, for us as lovers, and most importantly as parents to Leityn. The life we have built for ourselves gets better from day to day. We don't have everything we want, but we have all that we need. I am blessed with an amazing man that commits himself to our well being every day. He is an amazing father and my best friend. I am excited for what our future holds. Our life with Leityn is nothing short of exciting. Every day with him is something new and adventurous. He brings so much love and joy to our home. God blessed us when he gave us this little boy.

As I see the past 10 years summed up in writing, one might feel sad for all that I’ve been through. But don’t get me wrong, there were a lot of good times. A lot of good memories made. I know I have seen and done things that some people will never experience in their lives. Like I said in the beginning, I don’t have many regrets and wouldn’t change most things. I can say the one regret from my past is the amount of time I spent lost and searching to fill that void in my heart. All the time I was without God. All though he was never without me. He created us. He shaped our hearts and he knew as human we would be seeking to fill that one part of our heart that is missing. And it is up to us to grasp a hold of God, through Jesus Christ, so that our hearts can become whole once and for all. And become able to live the life he has intended for us to live. I no longer have to feel a void. We all have that hole and we can use many things to fill it. Some of us take the darker path, the long way around. And some of us never make it back and leave this life never having that void filled. I was fortunate enough to recognize God’s grace before it was too late. And it is God’s Loving Grace and Forgiveness that makes me okay with everything I have lived. God doesn’t want us to harbor the guilt from our past, the things we can’t change. He just ask that we recognize that He is the one and only thing that can truly fill our hearts void.

I don't know what the future holds but I know God has brought me to the clearest peek yet. And as I stand here gazing over at the paths ahead, I can't see which way they go but I have never been more excited about traveling forward before. I know guide has the map. And He is leading me on this path to being the best Person, Parent, and Partner I can be.

Thank You Lord for the last 30 Years!!

Social Networking and Beyond!

What's on your mind.............

OK, so this post is probably more about me and my struggle to control some habits that I personally think may a bit excessive. It's not a judgment towards people that use social networks even though I do have my opinion on how people use these things for negative purposes. I do know that most things can be good, when done in moderation so, all though I don't think I need a complete detox, I am striving for some moderation. I am talking about social networking, emailing, and internet surfing. We can also throw texting and blackberry messaging in the mix as well.

Exactly when does something positive become negative?

I will be the first to admit that I am an avid user of facebook and all though I don't keep count of how many times I get on facebook a day, it's plenty enough.
I will break it down: Yesterday, I posted  5 status updates, 1 picture, 3 comments, and 5 pic comments. Some may think that's excessive and I know it's a lot less than others. But, that's not really my point. I know I have formed this "habit" of checking my facebook and I probably do it too much for my own good (and for others.) For me facebook can be a rock and hard place. I live 2 hours away from most all of my family and friends so it's a quick, easy, and convenient way to keep in touch. Most of my time is spent communicating with the people that I am close to and if I could I would see on a daily basis. Facebook gives us that ability through the miles and I have to admit, I love that. It also gives me a connection to distant family and old friends. And in most cases I wouldn't see until a family reunion or hadn't talked to since high school or longer. I have made new and old connections and the people that I choose to communicate with generally bring some positivity to the experience. And all though I don't really think all 372 of my friends really care that "I am looking forward to Tony's yummy dinner." It is what was on my mind at that moment and it's just an extra way of telling Tony I love his cooking. But, I am certain I was able to tell him to his face as well. Post on fb can be used for so many things. I love posting our pics. I mean, it's just the same as if your friends came to your house and started looking at the pictures on your fridge, walls, frames, and albums. But in my case most people live to far away to see us on a regular basis so we get to stay up to date with our family. I know it brings my heart happiness when I can see their pictures and I think it does the same to share ours. If it was up to my mom she would see Leityn every day but since she can't, she has that option via facebook and I think that's a positive thing. My problem is that it is more of a habit than a necessity. My biggest downfall is having the fb app on my cell phone because I have constant access to it. Before that, I would only log on when I was conveniently at the computer. Most of the time, it fills up free/bored time (which isn't much) but times like riding in the car, waiting at the drs office, waiting for dinner to get done. But because it is right there on my phone I catch myself checking it often. Then I get sucked in, I am sure you know the cycle. Even though most of the people in my life are on facebook, they don't utilize it near as much as I do and so I am certain it becomes annoying to them as well. Not much different from any other bad habit that needs to be broke. When the results of something are negative, then I know doing it is no longer working for me. For me, I am easily distracted by this and I do think at certain times that distraction takes me away from living in the moment and enjoy the people and things around me. I know it's simply RUDE! And I am guilty of it.

Another negative is that my work and personal email comes directly to my phone. Most of the time it's not something that needs immediate attention but I still have the habit of reading the email and if at all possible, quickly responding. Sometimes it's emails from work that I can't do anything about at that moment. But once I read it, the issue is on my mind. I know I need to set the boundary and not cross it for my own sake. I know these things can wait and when I cross the boundary and make them seem more important than the people or things around me, I know it's just simply RUDE. And I am guilty of it.

Yes, I am the habitual texter/messenger. If I could carry on every conversation via text, I just might. I know it is informal, distance, and some times rude. But, I have succumbed to the convince, simplicity, and most of all I can be in control of my conversation when engaging with others. I hate to admit that but I have found a comfort in not having a in-the-moment, on-the-spot conversation. And being able to think about what I say as well as soak in what is being said before responding. Yes, this is a negative especially because I like to think I have very good communication skills. And steering away from that is just selling myself short. But not only that, I know that my texting when done at inappropriate times can effect the people around me, I will not list all the reasons why but I know it's just simply RUDE! And I am guilty of it.

Now I just have to point out another side of social networking, the dark side. When people use these sites/emails/texts for negative social interaction, it's another issue. I will admit that I don't personally talk to all 372 of my friends but I do know that I only requested or approved every one of these people because I had some liking or personal interest in them and their well-being. But when people "pretend" to befriend you on facebook so that they have access to your profile and think they can use this information for personal gain, they are wrong and they ruin this experience for a lot of people. So I am very conscious about who I approved and my profile stays private because of this. When people "pretend" to be your friend and then they use the things you say or the pictures you post to turn against you. And they say hurtful, judgmental, invalid things to you and they can do so openly on your page for others to see because they are your "friends." They are wrong and they ruin this experience for a lot of people. Just like in life, when I realize that people aren't really my friend and they have brought negativity into my life, I usually stop associating with them. So there is the "remove from friends" button for facebook. When people who are on your friends list but are nothing but negative and have nothing good to say at all, I don't care to here the negative drama. So most of the time I will remove them as well. It is just the same for the people in my life that call and never have anything good to say. I can assure you that I don't go out of my way to have regular conversation or text) with these people. I could keep going about people that bully via these sites, especially teenagers. People that cheat via these sites. People that post nasty pictures via these sites and on and on.

The bottom line is I think the same morals and values that we apply to every day life should also apply to these sites. Treat others with respect. If you don't have anything good to say to me or about me don't take the time to say anything at all. Positive thinking promotes positive living. Love thy neighbor and many, many more. If we all tried to remember these things, everyone may have a better experience on and off line.

Most importantly for me, I know that I need to make a point to be conscious of these habits and only utilize things like this when it's not taking my attention away from whats going on around me. No matter what it is, facebook, emails, tv, ect. it is up to me to make the people around me know that they are what matters MOST in my life. And that they DESERVE my undivided attention at all times. And last but not least, I LOVE THEM WITH ALL MY HEART and I want them to know this not only via my facebook page but in person as well.

Being the Best Person, Partner, and Parent I can be!

What a crazy few months it's been. I have been going through some personal struggles that have put a damper on my spirit, my inner happiness, and also started to effect the relationships and obligations in my daily life. Thankfully, I've done enough work on my self over the past three years to know when somethings not right and I am able to use that self awareness to begin making the changes within my control, to get back to a better place. Through this time of self examining, I have realized there are certain things that it is time to focus on so that I can get to that place where I know I am being the best Person, Partner, and Parent I can be!

Unfortunately, I do believe that some of these issues stem from the "chemical imbalance" the doctors diagnosed me with a few years ago. I have had my concerns about this diagnoses and exactly how much my "imbalance" was directly related to my alcohol and drug use. I went almost 2 years working closely with a doctor and finally finding a medication that seemed to balance my mood out pretty well. After becoming pregnant I made the choice to come off all of the medications and actually felt better emotionally than I ever had before. Too bad I couldn't bottle up the prego hormones and take them daily. Once Leityn was born I felt great and I was going to attempt to remain off the meds if at all possible. Sometime in June I started feeling edgy. After so much research and self examination I am able to gauge my emotions, actions and reactions pretty well. I went to see my family doctor for a yearly physical and expressed some of my newest concerns. By the end of the appointment I left there with 4 new medications. I didn't feel completely comfortable with this but I decided to give the meds a try for 3 months. Since that visit, all of the typical symptoms of a manic episode has surfaced. I have become increasingly irritable, weepy, aggressive, impatient, negative, obsessive, sleep deprived, low energy, depressive thoughts and other feelings. The best way to describe it is a constant feeling of PMS emotions (without the cramps.) I have felt certain that these things were being brought on by the new medicines he prescribed to "correct" the imbalance, either way something has went wrong and it has happened very quickly. I went back to the family dr for the 3 month check up and explained to him that not only were the meds not improving my situation, everything was actually alot worse. After that 15 minute appointment, he wanted to add 1 more med to the 4 others. I walked out in tears and knew this was not the solution for me. People that have never been exposed to any sort of chemical imbalance don't really understand what happens with us, so all of this has been a learning curve for Tony. My close friends and family that have been around from the beginning pretty well know, even if they don't understand. And all though I am no doctor I have read, researched and tried to educate myself on what happens with the brain due to the imbalances to cause all of these symptoms and feelings. I have focused on solutions to remaining stabilized so I am capable of having a quality life. Finally, a solution, I hope. I went to see a new psychiatrist after it became very clear to me that my family doctor just doesn't have the training to be playing around with these psychiatric drugs and the effects they have on my body. I would recommend this to any one going through the same thing and I should have done it in the first place. I went to see the new doctor yesterday and I was so impressed and confident with his detail and ability to openly discuss all of my concerns. He broke down an explanation on my current medications and exactly what wasn't working due to low dosage and how the other was having a adverse effect on my symptoms because the other one was to low. And he couldn't find any reason why I should have been prescribed the other two in the first place. WOW! I mean I can't believe that doctors feel confident enough to prescribe stuff, not really knowing exactly how it works, how much is needed to work and what will happen if they don't work well together. I know my family doctor is a great guy and good at what his education is in, which is pathology and family medicine. Wish I would have took the stand for myself and insisted on seeing the psychiatrist first but because of my insurance plan I had to be referred to him by the family doctor. I really think the health care industry (especially behavioral health) needs some regulations on this sort of thing but that's another blog topic in itself. I started a new medication combo last night, Trileptal and Wellbutrin and I am praying for positive result and as quick as possible. Yes, I wish I could be at a point where I didn't need any medication. I was proud of how well I did while I was pregnant. But, I know that I don't have to be ashamed of something that happens inside of my head, that is out of my control and that I am not a weak person for having resources like proper medication that will increase the quality of my life. I think that's a pretty good gift from God when maintained and used wisely.


Getting to the bottom of the medication issue was only the first step. I have taken other actions to move in a positive direction and begin working on some of the other issues. I started seeing a counselor again which even after two sessions I feel so much better to just have that place to go and open up and have someone that is trained to sit there and help me sort through some of this stuff and find solutions, which most of them I already know I just have trouble seeing through my own fogginess. I know some of these things will take time and will be a harder struggle, the things that have burdened my heart since I was a child and other deeper issues that I have to find acceptance for because they are clearly out of my control (which just happen to be all other people, places and things.) Some are character defects that I will most likely have to work on until my dying day but I know that God can take these things and help me (and others) live with myself, despite my short comings. Some are things I know I have to do to be content (and sober) and I have just put them on the back burner because there's just not enough time in the day (or any other justifiable excuse I can find at the time.) There is a list of things that I will be consistently working on.


But, I know without a doubt the most important thing at the top of this list is rediscovering the understanding of my Higher Power and beginning to concretely define and develop my relationship with God, through Jesus Christ. I know I am certainly a believer but that doesn't necessarily mean I have been living it. So, I am taking the steps in pursuing this deepening love for God and learning how to infuse Him and his words, teachings, wisdom, love, and happiness into the core of my life. After all, He is in control and I know for a fact when I try to take back that control, I become defeated. I truly believe that if my life is centered in Christ, then regardless of my chemical imbalance, childhood trauma, alcoholism, money problems, parenting stresses, relationship struggles or whatever the issue may be.... through God, with God, and because of God I will be okay. I know without a doubt that He is the one that can help me be the best Person, Partner and Parent I can be!

I am looking forward to this new journey and the ever evolving destination.