What a crazy few months it's been. I have been going through some personal struggles that have put a damper on my spirit, my inner happiness, and also started to effect the relationships and obligations in my daily life. Thankfully, I've done enough work on my self over the past three years to know when somethings not right and I am able to use that self awareness to begin making the changes within my control, to get back to a better place. Through this time of self examining, I have realized there are certain things that it is time to focus on so that I can get to that place where I know I am being the best Person, Partner, and Parent I can be!
Unfortunately, I do believe that some of these issues stem from the "chemical imbalance" the doctors diagnosed me with a few years ago. I have had my concerns about this diagnoses and exactly how much my "imbalance" was directly related to my alcohol and drug use. I went almost 2 years working closely with a doctor and finally finding a medication that seemed to balance my mood out pretty well. After becoming pregnant I made the choice to come off all of the medications and actually felt better emotionally than I ever had before. Too bad I couldn't bottle up the prego hormones and take them daily. Once Leityn was born I felt great and I was going to attempt to remain off the meds if at all possible. Sometime in June I started feeling edgy. After so much research and self examination I am able to gauge my emotions, actions and reactions pretty well. I went to see my family doctor for a yearly physical and expressed some of my newest concerns. By the end of the appointment I left there with 4 new medications. I didn't feel completely comfortable with this but I decided to give the meds a try for 3 months. Since that visit, all of the typical symptoms of a manic episode has surfaced. I have become increasingly irritable, weepy, aggressive, impatient, negative, obsessive, sleep deprived, low energy, depressive thoughts and other feelings. The best way to describe it is a constant feeling of PMS emotions (without the cramps.) I have felt certain that these things were being brought on by the new medicines he prescribed to "correct" the imbalance, either way something has went wrong and it has happened very quickly. I went back to the family dr for the 3 month check up and explained to him that not only were the meds not improving my situation, everything was actually alot worse. After that 15 minute appointment, he wanted to add 1 more med to the 4 others. I walked out in tears and knew this was not the solution for me. People that have never been exposed to any sort of chemical imbalance don't really understand what happens with us, so all of this has been a learning curve for Tony. My close friends and family that have been around from the beginning pretty well know, even if they don't understand. And all though I am no doctor I have read, researched and tried to educate myself on what happens with the brain due to the imbalances to cause all of these symptoms and feelings. I have focused on solutions to remaining stabilized so I am capable of having a quality life. Finally, a solution, I hope. I went to see a new psychiatrist after it became very clear to me that my family doctor just doesn't have the training to be playing around with these psychiatric drugs and the effects they have on my body. I would recommend this to any one going through the same thing and I should have done it in the first place. I went to see the new doctor yesterday and I was so impressed and confident with his detail and ability to openly discuss all of my concerns. He broke down an explanation on my current medications and exactly what wasn't working due to low dosage and how the other was having a adverse effect on my symptoms because the other one was to low. And he couldn't find any reason why I should have been prescribed the other two in the first place. WOW! I mean I can't believe that doctors feel confident enough to prescribe stuff, not really knowing exactly how it works, how much is needed to work and what will happen if they don't work well together. I know my family doctor is a great guy and good at what his education is in, which is pathology and family medicine. Wish I would have took the stand for myself and insisted on seeing the psychiatrist first but because of my insurance plan I had to be referred to him by the family doctor. I really think the health care industry (especially behavioral health) needs some regulations on this sort of thing but that's another blog topic in itself. I started a new medication combo last night, Trileptal and Wellbutrin and I am praying for positive result and as quick as possible. Yes, I wish I could be at a point where I didn't need any medication. I was proud of how well I did while I was pregnant. But, I know that I don't have to be ashamed of something that happens inside of my head, that is out of my control and that I am not a weak person for having resources like proper medication that will increase the quality of my life. I think that's a pretty good gift from God when maintained and used wisely.
Getting to the bottom of the medication issue was only the first step. I have taken other actions to move in a positive direction and begin working on some of the other issues. I started seeing a counselor again which even after two sessions I feel so much better to just have that place to go and open up and have someone that is trained to sit there and help me sort through some of this stuff and find solutions, which most of them I already know I just have trouble seeing through my own fogginess. I know some of these things will take time and will be a harder struggle, the things that have burdened my heart since I was a child and other deeper issues that I have to find acceptance for because they are clearly out of my control (which just happen to be all other people, places and things.) Some are character defects that I will most likely have to work on until my dying day but I know that God can take these things and help me (and others) live with myself, despite my short comings. Some are things I know I have to do to be content (and sober) and I have just put them on the back burner because there's just not enough time in the day (or any other justifiable excuse I can find at the time.) There is a list of things that I will be consistently working on.
But, I know without a doubt the most important thing at the top of this list is rediscovering the understanding of my Higher Power and beginning to concretely define and develop my relationship with God, through Jesus Christ. I know I am certainly a believer but that doesn't necessarily mean I have been living it. So, I am taking the steps in pursuing this deepening love for God and learning how to infuse Him and his words, teachings, wisdom, love, and happiness into the core of my life. After all, He is in control and I know for a fact when I try to take back that control, I become defeated. I truly believe that if my life is centered in Christ, then regardless of my chemical imbalance, childhood trauma, alcoholism, money problems, parenting stresses, relationship struggles or whatever the issue may be.... through God, with God, and because of God I will be okay. I know without a doubt that He is the one that can help me be the best Person, Partner and Parent I can be!
I am looking forward to this new journey and the ever evolving destination.
