My Thirtieth Birthday was by far my most meaningful Birthday since becoming an adult. I have never been in a more content, happy, secure, and confident place in my life. But, I didn't get to where I am today without many hills and valleys along the way as I traveled through my twenties. When I turned 20 in 2000, things were so different in my life and in my heart. I had no idea what was to come. At that point I had quit college after the first semester, got involved with someone against all the advice from others, and was still suffering the consequences of my underage DUI. It was a life changing time but I was finally attempting to establish myself as a "productive adult." Once things set into motion it was a fast paced, ever evolving series of events. Never once a dual moment. And not many regrets because I know with every year I have lived and everything I have experienced, it is those things that have shaped me into who I am today.
When I think back through my 20's there were so many experiences, good and bad. But most of all some very personal trails, tribulations, and life lessons learned. I recount my twenties and it goes something like this....
I was in my first long term relationship as an adult. My friendships were strained. I rented my first apartment. I had let my parents down. I purchased my first car in my name. Didn't listen to my family. Got married. Over indulged in my drinking. Identified self worth through a man’s love. Moved to Alabama. Found a great job. Didn't know myself. Bought my first house. Ran up credit cards. Had no faith. Traveled to cool places. Was the other half of an abusive relationship. Lived miserably. Drank every day. Had an affair. Finally had enough. Went through a toxic separation. Left a bar drunk, 4x over the legal limit, blacked out, and flipped my truck several times. Laid in a dark, wet field in the middle of the night knowing I was going to die. Left what little dignity I had in that crushed truck. Screamed for my Mom. Was unable to walk for two months. Moved home feeling like everyone told me so. Started talking to God. Took to many pain pills. Recognized my family’s unconditional love. Finalized the divorce. Walked away from everything that I once thought was everything.
Wondered if God could even hear me. Drowned my sorrows in my drink. Was involved in a hit and run. Stared fresh, with nothing to my name. Seen a doctor and began taking anxiety medicine. Got another good job. Another apartment. Tried rebuliding friendship. Found the single life. Had to have a drink before going out. Found the rebound relationship. Worked hard. Found comfort in the familiar toxic love. Committed and uncommitted myself. Wasn't honest with anyone. Blacked out. Hurt people because I was hurting. Put myself first. Woke up wondering how I got there. Made my Mom cry. Loved the pain from getting tattoos. Went to work hungover everyday. Thought I was fooling everyone. Wondered if that was all there was to life. Loved the way meth made me feel. Was distant from the people I was close to. Drank in the mornings so I wouldn't be sick. Pretended to be someone I wasn't. Made good money. Wanted someone because I couldn't have them. Didn't have a place to call home, just a place to sleep. Wasted energy. Drove drunk. Lived on a whim. Never looked in the mirror. Could never drink enough. Depended on my friends, but never listened to their advice. Worried my family.
Packed up and moved Dahlonega hoping my life would change. Realized I was still me, just in a different zip code. Felt alone and isolated. Had to have a drink at lunch. Resented the people I surrounded myself with. Did illegal drugs in public bathrooms. Thought my family didn't know. Took one too many pills. Attempted suicide without knowing it was an attempt. Tried to quit it all. Was diagnosed Bi-polar. Experienced three months sober. Wanted to have just one. Didn't tell anyone. Continued to be a disappointment. Screamed a lot. Had a fight with a friend, she drowned to death the next day. Couldn't breath. Couldn't think. Wondered why God didn't take me. Knew he would if I didn't stop. Made a plead with my family. Told the people around me the truth. Nothing they didn't already know. Was given another chance. Found support in unlikely people. Wasn't ready to give up. Lied to myself. Went out to the river where my friend drowned. Washed away the pain. Smelled of stale beer and muscadine wine. Blacked out. Went into a rage. Was escorted to detox against my will. Called a lady in AA.
Read daily reflections for the first time that night. May 20th: One Day at a Time! Hit my knees on a cold, hard floor in a psych ward. Screamed to God. Screamed at God. Screamed for God. Knew what I had to do, but didn't know how. Talked to my family. Developed a plan. Went to church. The spirit moved me and I was saved. Got a new bible. Had hope. Felt something I had never felt before. Could hear myself think. Once again felt my family’s unconditional love. Couldn't deny the truth any longer. Found willingness, against my will. Committed myself to one year in residential treatment. Had to look in the mirror. Heard about God. Found a calmness. Listened to what the women had to say. Started facing my fears. Couldn't stand the house full of women. Let someone read to me from the bible. Followed the rules I didn't believe in. Fell in love with my family. Went to an AA meeting everyday for 90 days. Broke some rules because that's my nature. Missed my family. Started writing again. Learned a simple prayer: I ask for your will Only. Nothing More, Nothing Less, Nothing Else, At Any Cost-Amen. Felt anxiety. Was referred to a great position for a Christian organization. Got a sponsor. Educated myself on Bi-polar. Didn't believe I was good enough. Went to group. Felt pain. Cried. Worked with a life coach. Laughed. Missed my best friends. Confronted myself. Believed in more. Worked the steps. Stayed committed. Made friendships. Trusted women. Started to understand God, in my own understanding. Celebrated a year May 20th 2008.Graduated from treatment after a year.
Began a fresh started. Stayed in Gainesville. Moved in with my Best Friend. Continued to make personal mistakes. Wanted to trust God, but trusted myself more. Worked hard. Battled bi-polar head on. Lived in gratitude. Began rebuilding relationships. Continued self-seeking. Went to counseling. Wasn't healthy enough for a healthy relationship. Allowed other people’s actions control my life. Wasted energy. Connected with God. Listened to my heart. Wouldn't settle. Expected more for myself and knew I was going to get it.
Life as I knew it changed forever. I knew I would never be the same. Gave my all to God and his Will. Introduced myself to him. Started building a home. Felt love and support from my family and friends. Became excited. Lived alone for the first time ever. Felt a connection. Spent time with family. Went on our first date to my uncle’s funeral. My heart began to grow. Spent as much time together as possible. Told him the truth about myself. Had fun. Fell into a love I have never felt before. Was unsure about the future.. Started showing. Prayed for strength every day. Believed in myself. Prepared for my little boy. Went on dates. Felt him kick. Enjoyed the holidays with family, friends and my love. Trusted that God was in control and we were going to be ok. Anticipated becoming a mother. Searched my heart. Connected with my son. Was certain of how we were going to do things. Waited. The day arrived, I became a mother. Fell into another love I had never felt before. Loved his lips. My heart melted when he held him for the first time. Seen the excitement and love Samuel Leityn brought to all our lives. Called him Boopie. Our home became where the heart truly is. Laughed and played with my boys. Questioned myself as a mother. Prayed for strength to be a good provider. Grew closer as a couple. Searched for a church home. Did my best. Continued to fall in love. Enjoyed everyday as a parent. Laughed with Leityn. Celebrated 3 years, May 20th 2010. Enjoyed our first family vacation. Started feeling edgy. Recognized the symptoms. Experienced complications of medication that made things worse.
Experienced a spiritual attack in my mind and heart. Felt no joy. Prayed to God for his help. Became distant. Surrendered to God. Could hear the small whisper in my mind. Hoped my family understood. Knew what I needed to do. Recommitted my life to changes. Started feeling hopeful. Found a better doctor. Started writing again. Prayed throughout my day. Started counseling again. Submitted my application to North Georgia College for Fall 2011. Prepared to be Baptized on the last day of my twenties! Was nervous but God's spirit took control. Grateful my family and friends were there. Felt a warm calmness in my heart as I set in that water. Gave my powerful testimony. Became certain my past was over. Lifted my hands and gave glory to Jesus Christ for all he had given me. Listened to the words to "I'm Free." Held my breath. When I came up out of that waster, for the first time ever I felt FREE. My mind, body, and soul were in a different place. Felt the power of the Holy Ghost come through my body. I was in a place I have never experienced before. The world here on Earth stopped for those few moments. I knew with my whole heart that I left the old me in the water that night. And I know longer have to be in fear of my past. Felt so much joy. What better way to turn 30!
I had a great Birthday the next day and actually had several surprises. It was so surprising that Tony, my mom, and my friends actually pulled anything off that day. It was so wonderful to get to spend both of these occasions with my family and best friends. I can't say I had a renewed spirit. I feel filled with a spirit I have never felt before. I am hopeful for my future. I believe in myself and I know I am worth it. The gift to myself at 30 was my commitment to my heart and God, that I will begin to truly listen to my own heart. And I will let His still small voice guide me. I have so much faith in our futures, for myself personally, for us as lovers, and most importantly as parents to Leityn. The life we have built for ourselves gets better from day to day. We don't have everything we want, but we have all that we need. I am blessed with an amazing man that commits himself to our well being every day. He is an amazing father and my best friend. I am excited for what our future holds. Our life with Leityn is nothing short of exciting. Every day with him is something new and adventurous. He brings so much love and joy to our home. God blessed us when he gave us this little boy.
As I see the past 10 years summed up in writing, one might feel sad for all that I’ve been through. But don’t get me wrong, there were a lot of good times. A lot of good memories made. I know I have seen and done things that some people will never experience in their lives. Like I said in the beginning, I don’t have many regrets and wouldn’t change most things. I can say the one regret from my past is the amount of time I spent lost and searching to fill that void in my heart. All the time I was without God. All though he was never without me. He created us. He shaped our hearts and he knew as human we would be seeking to fill that one part of our heart that is missing. And it is up to us to grasp a hold of God, through Jesus Christ, so that our hearts can become whole once and for all. And become able to live the life he has intended for us to live. I no longer have to feel a void. We all have that hole and we can use many things to fill it. Some of us take the darker path, the long way around. And some of us never make it back and leave this life never having that void filled. I was fortunate enough to recognize God’s grace before it was too late. And it is God’s Loving Grace and Forgiveness that makes me okay with everything I have lived. God doesn’t want us to harbor the guilt from our past, the things we can’t change. He just ask that we recognize that He is the one and only thing that can truly fill our hearts void.
I don't know what the future holds but I know God has brought me to the clearest peek yet. And as I stand here gazing over at the paths ahead, I can't see which way they go but I have never been more excited about traveling forward before. I know guide has the map. And He is leading me on this path to being the best Person, Parent, and Partner I can be.
Thank You Lord for the last 30 Years!!
